Sales and Marketing Pros Guide to Technical Documentation (What They Really Mean) Take 2

This is the second article in this humorous look at what the documentation really means when it says:

We offer 5-star support

If you have a really hard question we will ignore you.


It is not possible to anticipate every circumstance you may encounter.

Time to call your attorney.


If you are having issues you may wish to consult our knowledgebase.

Which we have not touched since Version 1 three years ago. Good luck.


Please ensure that you have our latest version.

That’s what got you in trouble. You were fine before the update.


We should respond to your request within 24 hours.

We’ll start the clock on that when we damn well feel like it.


Please ensure that you have followed our troubleshooting procedures before you contact us.

Ok, stop screaming, it’s not helping.


We are not responsible for the proper operation of third-party software.

Which includes your Windows operating system. The way we see it, we’re pretty much in the clear here.


Consult the manual for your system for more information.

Seriously, how do you “consult” a document?


You may have issues with installation on your web server.

Your hosting company hates us big time. We saw no reason to tell you this in advance.


Please ensure that you have complied with local regulations.

Our stuff is completely illegal in your state. And we’re not giving your money back. Sorry.