As Operational IT departments begin to shrink, many of us find ourselves on our own for updates and improvements to the tools we use in sales and marketing. Some of us are discovering for the first time that MarTech systems such as CRM and Marketing Automation actually come with written materials for their use and care, which we must now consume. So we at Oinkodomeo thought it might be the right time for a lighthearted look at “what they really mean when they say” in technical documentation:
“This Quick Start Guide has everything you need to get up and running”
Why, then, did we include a 423-page manual with the download?
“Under certain rare circumstances”
Whatever comes next is about to happen to you, if it has not already.
“To do <insert task> you simply…..”
The word “simply” is our signal to you that we don’t know how this works either, but we needed to get the manual out, so what follows looks good but has nothing to do with this.
“It may take a few minutes for the system to reset”
Actually, it’s going to crash the system right away, you won’t have to wait. Time for coffee. In another city.
“The default condition”
Is what happens when everything suddenly turns to —-
(This next one is usually isolated at the bottom of the page) “Do NOT hit the ENTER key more than once”
Already did that, didn’t you? Way more than once (smirk).
“Restore to a previous version”
We never back anything up either, not that we’ll ever admit it.
“Not warranted to be suitable for any particular purpose”
Especially the purpose you bought it for. This is our Attorney telling you the simple truth. Irony in there somewhere.
“When you have finished your updates, press the CONTINUE key”
Whereupon we will reboot your system without warning, completely destroying anything you were working on.
“If you are running Windows 8”
Call our Sales Department. We’ll give you your money back if you agree NOT to contact our Tech Support. About anything. Ever.
That’s it for this round. Any questions, go look it up, we’re too busy.